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孩子的人生,你要如何做主?
2018-12-03 10:28:45   来源:   评论:0 点击:

写在前面的话: 进入西大三实前是在一所公立的完全中学教书,日子琐碎也不乏惬意,选择西大三实,一方面心动它优雅的育人环境,更歆羡

写在前面的话:

      进入西大三实前是在一所公立的完全中学教书,日子琐碎也不乏惬意,选择西大三实,一方面心动它优雅的育人环境,更歆羡它荟萃了天南地北的群英,置身其里三月有余,虽时有驻足之沟通,亦或散步之交流,只言片语的交汇,实在无法大慰平生,甚愿有一方平台一个话题勾连彼此,于是尝试之,也就有了下面的絮叨:


话题一:孩子的人生,你要如何做主

        11月27日是高一文理分科的第二天,相对于昨天前来找我诉说不愿读理读文的学生与家长的热闹,今天是冷清了不少,在年级办公室跟班主任老师们一起交流时,一位班主任说孩子思想的动荡跟个别班科老师或家长的引导有关,回想分班前与昨天跟学生本人及家长的沟通,也深有同感。回想自己孩子当年读高中选科时的我的建议,以及孩子进入大学后的发展,心里甚是惶恐,身为家长同时是教师的自己,竟然不自觉的将意愿强加在孩子的身上。

       是啊,身为大人的我们很奇怪,自己还是孩子的时候,嚷嚷着“我的青春我做主”,但长大成人,为人父母、师长的时候,就开始对孩子的人生“指点江山”。尤其还喜欢把自己那一套处世观强行加到一张白纸的孩子身上。

       记得一次看《开学第一课》,俞敏洪说自己没考上大学,补习了几次终于考上北大;还说没考上的同学,就在工地搬砖,并掏出一张照片,加以佐证。不去探究他当时说此话的用意,只是想:放眼现在的社会,坐办公室的就一定要比搬砖的快乐么?不见得吧。再说了,搬砖辛苦是辛苦了点儿,但真金白银靠自己的一双手讨生活,俞敏洪凭什么在全国中小学生面前加以指责?这不仅刺伤了本来就敏感的农民工子女,还给所有孩子灌输了狭隘的价值观。于我看来,不管是坐办公室,还是在工地上搬砖,都是靠自己的一双手吃饭,都值得尊重。生活面前,没有谁比谁高人一等。

       龙应台说:”父母子女一场,就是不断地在目送他的背影渐行渐远。”再疼再爱,大人终究只能陪孩子走一段路。如果在这一段路上,该做的决定,大人统统帮忙代劳了,那么余下的路,孩子要怎么走?

       俗话说:授人以鱼,不如授人以渔。曾任十年学校心理辅导老师的陈志恒认为,大人要让孩子学会为自己的人生做主,不然将永远活在别人的答案中。

       令人捏把冷汗的热心建议:
      面对孩子的问题,直接给出答案,是最简单的;而孩子要的,也是一个直接的答案。然而这么做,对于孩子内心的困惑,特别是关于人生决定,不一定有帮助,甚至还可能出现副作用。

       首先,孩子可能因此养成依赖的心理。面对这样的人生大问题,总是采取从大人身上得到标准答案的被动态度,而不愿自己搜集各种讯息综合判断、获得答案;另一个可能的风险是,这些直截了当的建议本身,往往必须打上问号。

       这些建议,都来自孩子身旁的热心长辈。但是在这些建议背后,常常是偏颇、过时、刻板的印象,甚至逻辑不通的资讯。

       让孩子为自己负责

       于是,面对孩子的人生大问题,即使我们有着自己的好恶,仍需尽可能保留更多空间给孩子自己思考、探索。

       首先,尽可能提供给孩子客观、正确与最新的资讯。当涉及价值判断时,例如分析大学专业或职业的好坏、高下、优劣、前景时,也要提供多元的资料来源与观点,避免偏颇。

       其次,时时反思自己的观点是否带有过去的刻板印象,避免不自觉间误导孩子的判断。

       更重要的是,与其直接提供孩子资讯,不如指导孩子自己搜集、判断与组织资讯,这才是孩子需要的能力,也是一种机会教育。

       最后,告诉孩子:“大人提供你的资讯或思考方向,都只是参考。最终,你要为自己做出决定,也要为自己的决定负起责任。”

 
“最佳的人生选择”也许并不存在
 
       身为家长或者老师,给予孩子建议时,往往有一个共同的初衷:我是过来人,我对这个时下有成熟的理解,尤其我的孩子或学生他(她)擅长什么,我比较清楚,我们定会为他(她)规划出一条“最佳的人生选择”。其实啊,“人生不确定”这个观念愈来愈得到更多的人的认可并推广了,即现代人的人生发展已非线性了,所谓“努力读书进入顶尖大学热门专业,完成学业进入一流企业,从基层做起一路往上爬,直到届龄退休”的这样的时代已经过去了!

       现今的产业脉动变化迅速,十年河东、十年河西,风水轮流转,谁也无法预料当孩子大学毕业后,那时社会的显学是什么;而个人的内在特质、专长、兴趣与价值观,也都会随着生活经验的拓展而不断改变。简而言之,人生和职业都是“无常”两字。

       于是,“最佳的人生选择”已经没有唯一的答案,而充满了各种可能性;人生中多次转换跑道也再正常不过了。

       既然如此,身为大人的我们,又凭什么为孩子的人生决定,给出斩钉截铁的建议呢?

       或许是长期以来教育现场中“喂食文化”的遗毒,教师通过不断喂食各种资讯(即教科书中的内容),让孩子学习与成长。这种方式看起来最有效率,却也简化了孩子对于零碎资讯的思考—无法组织资讯而形成知识,无法组织知识而形成学问。

       当孩子习惯了这样的模式之后,面对没有标准答案的人生问题时,就习惯向大人讨食;而做大人的,也难以克制喂食的惯性,常在不自觉间给出了不知道是否可靠的建议。

 
是“引导”还是“控制”孩子?

       有人会说,孩子哪里懂那么多?当然需要大人引导,才有方向。我绝对同意这个说法。然而要区分清楚的是,在我们给建议时,究竟是在“引导”,还是“控制”孩子的决策?

       “控制”与“引导”的差别在于,控制是只给对方一个选择,并且要他相信这是最好的决定;引导则是永远给对方更多选择,并且尊重与相信对方会为自己做出最好的决定。
当我们用“豪迈”的口气,对着问题没有深度思考的孩子说“那个不好,这个比较好,听我的就对了”类似这样的话语,就是一种“控制”。相较之下,大人确实拥有比孩子更多的人生经验,伹并不代表大人的看法就绝对客观与切合时宜。

 
谁来承担决定的后果?

       我们随口给出一个建议,却可能是影响孩子未来的关键因素。问题是,由谁来承担决定的后果?显而易见的,不是大人,是孩子自己。

       因此,我们凭什么能不以战战兢兢的态度与孩子讨论人生规划?凭什么在没有深思熟虑并充分自觉的情况下,就给出建议,试图左右孩子的人生?

       更重要的是,我们也因此剥夺了孩子为自己做决定的机会与权利。未来,当他面对下一个人生重大议题,同样也没有标准答案时,也会习惯性地向身旁的人寻求答案,由别人提供建议来为自己做决定,而忽略了对问题本身进行深入探究。于是,他永远活在别人的答案中。

       当孩子面临为自己做出人生重大决定的时刻时,就让他们练习自己做决定吧!与此同时,他也将为自己的决定负起百分之百的责任,这是孩子迈向成熟的必经之路。

       期待老师与家长的交流!

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